Belly laughing

Sometimes you wish you had a video camera rolling all the time, in-case your kids say something super adorable.  I started a journal that I need to update of all the funny things Natalie has done over her three years.

Natalie always makes me laugh. She says the silliest things. She asks the most personal questions. Little kids can be brutally honest. They also like to comfort us when we are having a rough day. 

This week Natalie said, "I'm a boy!"  My husband looked at her and said, "Do you have something in your pants?"  We all started laughing because we knew exactly that she put something in her pants. It was a big bouncy ball. 

About a year ago I was on the phone with the executive director and some other foster parents for a conference call. Natalie asked me who I was talking to. I whispered, "Amelia."  Natalie said, "Does she have balls or a gina?"  I nearly died. I tried shooing her out of the room and she just asked louder the same question. I don't know if anyone heard or not, but I was so embarrassed!  It makes a pretty good story though.

Namesake

Have you ever known people that have the same names and seem to act very similar? I have a theory on names. There is no hard evidence to support this theory, but it is fun anyway.

I've come to the conclusion that my father-in-law, Phill Sr., my husband, Phill Jr., and my son, Phillip, have similar personalities. Yes I know they are all related, but sometimes it is scary how much they are alike.

Here is how I know:

They love to flirt and schmooze (as my best friend Beth calls it)

When they know they are in trouble, they try to kiss it out of you so you won't be mad. My little stinker was eating dog food and when I came over to pick him up, he knew he was in trouble. He gave me the biggest, sloppiest kiss and just smiled. How do you stay mad at something that cute?

They are super friendly to everyone they meet.

They really don't care what others think of them.  My father-in-law wears his swimsuit to work and thinks people don't notice they aren't shorts. They are orange.

They are extremely persistent- STUBBORN-but they don't quit when it gets too tough.

They have a really hard exterior, but they can't hide their big hearts bulging out of their chests.

They can embarrass you like no other and make you laugh until you pee a little.

I love my Phill's.

Road blocks

I am coasting along on cruise and everything in life seems to be going smoothly. (Probably part of my reason for not blogging a lot lately.)

There are a few bad days and even some tears for no reason. This is a normal part of being a woman so no real reasons to fret. I am feeling kind of distracted, but welcome to motherhood. I can't remember things, but that is probably due to my overloaded calendar.

I hit a couple road blocks through this whole journey through PPD, and then I hit another one. I am sent into panic mode. ( It is coming back-I thought I was through this hell- how long is this going to haunt me. I can't go through this again.)

What triggered this panic mode was me putting my son down for a nap today. As I was walking up the stairs with him in my arms, I envisioned him falling down the stairs and blood everywhere. I started to panic. I put him down in the crib and left the room. I started crying immediately. I called my husband. I called my friend Carrie, my therapist, and my mom.

Phill said sometimes bad thoughts just pop into our minds and it means nothing. I explained to him that they slowly creep up on you until one day you are thinking every minute of everyday you should just end your life. I could not go through that again.

What it really all boils down to is that all the medicine in the world won't be able to change the way I think. It could sedate me, but that isn't living. I think people sometimes assume once you get put on medication for anxiety, depression, PPD, OCD or any other mental illness, you are cured. That is only half the battle. You need to completely put forth effort everyday to take control of your thoughts and feelings, no matter how irrational or intrusive they may be.

Yes it royally sucks that I have this illness and I have not fully recovered yet. Compared to where I was, this is a cake walk. Phill and my mom are right. You just have thoughts pop into your mind and they mean nothing. You just shake it off, use positive self-talk, call a friend, go for a run and keep on living.

Mother Hen

You know how the old saying goes, " One day you will be just like your mother..." As young daughters we cringe when we hear this and deny it will ever happen to you.

I know I am becoming my mom in a lot of ways. I am proud to be a stay-at-home mom like my mom was. It was wonderful to have her home all day every day. Even though I am sure we wore her out. She also learned to have a simple lifestyle. We didn't always have the nice clothes, the newest toys, and we rarely went out to eat. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I was so glad she was home with us. She returned to work after my youngest brother went to school. She was still at every sporting event, every concert, and there to help us with our homework. Plus growing up our house was super clean. I still can't figure out how she did this. My parents had four kids! Every time my mom comes down for a visit, I go a little nuts trying to keep the house clean.

My daughter is three. She is a little mother hen. Some of the recent things she has said to me are:

Mom, you are skinny except for right here (she pokes at my belly)

Turn on the radio and drive the car Mom.

Time to go to bed Mom. Let's go

Don't wear those glasses. They don't look good.

Just this week I was getting ready to run and changed my clothes. We had previously had a lengthy conversation about the different types of bras. She held up the regular bra while I changed into my sports bra. Natalie interrupts me and says, "You can't wear this one cause your boobs would go flying."

29 and holding...

So I was bragging on my Facebook status last week that I got carded at the local grocery store. The lady really made me feel like a million bucks! I wanted to kiss her. But I didn't.   It totally made my year so far.
But then a few days later I went bowling with my kids and I twisted my knee and jammed my finger in the bowling ball.

I am about to turn 30 in two months. It is scaring me and I really am in denial about it. I feel like I am saying goodbye to my youth... forever. I thought I would sit in bed a cry all day and look at old pictures of my childhood when I was young.
What a waste. How silly. I should be excited about this new chapter in my life. Besides 30 is a much more grown up number. When we are in our 30's we become sexy and sophisticated. We are much more mature and our true beauty is starting to be revealed.

30 says goodbye to the 20's.  We had a good run.  There was lots of partying in college, breakups, graduating for college, getting married, getting pregnant with my sweet daughter, getting pregnant with my adorable little son, fostering a total of ten children, starting new jobs, traveling to Kenya and Sri Lanka and overcoming an illness known as Postpartum depression.

Just like I was ready to say goodbye to 2010, I will be ready to say goodbye to my 20's. In this next decade, I hope to attend a lot of graduation parties, attend weddings, run a marathon-gulp, maybe have another baby- we will see what God's plan is for us, start a new career, travel back to Kenya and many other places, take a trip to Disney world with my kids, get bleacher butt watching my kids in sports, and learning and growing stronger.

I will also make sure to get the same lady at the check out.

10 things that will annoy your man

1. Ask him, "Are you going to wear that?"

2. Shrink his dri fit work out clothes by putting them in the dryer.  Oops!

3. Talk during a football game. Ask lots of questions and comment on the players bad choice in hair.

4. Tell him, "Your mom agrees with me."

5. Complain about your period or your bowl problems. They want to live in a fantasy world where there is never trouble down under. And don't even think about farting in front of them.

6. Bring up serious conversations right before bedtime.

7. Continue to insist he talks to you right now about the current thing you are fighting about. Don't do that-it just makes him even more frustrated.  They need their little cool off time first.

8. Spend a lot of money- just don't do that. Enough said!

9. Be late for everything especially church. You will get a lecture the entire drive to church.

10. Call him at work to tell him you are pregnant.( I did this with baby #2 ) 1. You won't get the reaction you are hoping for. 2. He won't believe you because the pregnancy test was from the dollar store.

Journal entry from that horrible summer...

I know it is backtracking, but I found one and only one journal entry while I was in the midst of my Postpartum depression. I thought I might share it on here. I have to warn my readers it isn't easy for me to write this, but my hope is to make others aware at how serious this illness is and how common it really is. Still, sadly there isn't an easy way to detect this illness until it gets really bad. When you are in this "horrible haze" you aren't aware of what is happening to you so you don't reach out for help. It isn't like a migraine or the flu. You still are rational and have a clear head and you know right away you need to take medication or see a doctor.

(This is exactly one week before I went to the hospital. Things just got progressively worse.)
So here goes:
7-14-10
Phillip is 2 month old today. Today I start journaling to help me sort out what is going on inside me. I completely ignored the signs until it was too late. Hyper, racing thoughts, can't sleep, anxiety, fear,panic, can't eat. 


I miss Natalie. I am spending all my time with the baby. Need to sleep- so tired.  Can't sleep- worried about the baby. Depressed-lonely-want to run away. Loud-too much noise- too much going on-slow down. I am so sad. I can't breastfeed my baby. My breasts hurt. I feel like I am losing my bond with my little boy. 


Am I crazy? I feel crazy-out of control. No one understands me. Panic -Make it stop. Scared for my life. I am going to die. My baby is going to die. Satan is in control of me and he won't let go. God save me- he can't hear me. I am going to die. I want to die. I could just take all my pills.
No you won't- I won't let you do that. Jesus will never leave me. I believe him.


Survival mode-just survive-let others help you. You need help. They will help you. They will keep me alive. You are not crazy-you are not bad. 


I feel robbed- I wanted to have three children of my own. I will never hold another baby in my arms that is mine. Two blessings that is all I can have. I will just make the most of it and be grateful forever. 


As I read this over and over, I feel like I was trying to fight it. I would go in and out of being rational to irrational within minutes. I was all over the place. The part I love is that I knew that I was going through hell, but I clung by my fingernails to my faith. That is the only reason I survived.