Belly laughing

Sometimes you wish you had a video camera rolling all the time, in-case your kids say something super adorable.  I started a journal that I need to update of all the funny things Natalie has done over her three years.

Natalie always makes me laugh. She says the silliest things. She asks the most personal questions. Little kids can be brutally honest. They also like to comfort us when we are having a rough day. 

This week Natalie said, "I'm a boy!"  My husband looked at her and said, "Do you have something in your pants?"  We all started laughing because we knew exactly that she put something in her pants. It was a big bouncy ball. 

About a year ago I was on the phone with the executive director and some other foster parents for a conference call. Natalie asked me who I was talking to. I whispered, "Amelia."  Natalie said, "Does she have balls or a gina?"  I nearly died. I tried shooing her out of the room and she just asked louder the same question. I don't know if anyone heard or not, but I was so embarrassed!  It makes a pretty good story though.

Namesake

Have you ever known people that have the same names and seem to act very similar? I have a theory on names. There is no hard evidence to support this theory, but it is fun anyway.

I've come to the conclusion that my father-in-law, Phill Sr., my husband, Phill Jr., and my son, Phillip, have similar personalities. Yes I know they are all related, but sometimes it is scary how much they are alike.

Here is how I know:

They love to flirt and schmooze (as my best friend Beth calls it)

When they know they are in trouble, they try to kiss it out of you so you won't be mad. My little stinker was eating dog food and when I came over to pick him up, he knew he was in trouble. He gave me the biggest, sloppiest kiss and just smiled. How do you stay mad at something that cute?

They are super friendly to everyone they meet.

They really don't care what others think of them.  My father-in-law wears his swimsuit to work and thinks people don't notice they aren't shorts. They are orange.

They are extremely persistent- STUBBORN-but they don't quit when it gets too tough.

They have a really hard exterior, but they can't hide their big hearts bulging out of their chests.

They can embarrass you like no other and make you laugh until you pee a little.

I love my Phill's.

Road blocks

I am coasting along on cruise and everything in life seems to be going smoothly. (Probably part of my reason for not blogging a lot lately.)

There are a few bad days and even some tears for no reason. This is a normal part of being a woman so no real reasons to fret. I am feeling kind of distracted, but welcome to motherhood. I can't remember things, but that is probably due to my overloaded calendar.

I hit a couple road blocks through this whole journey through PPD, and then I hit another one. I am sent into panic mode. ( It is coming back-I thought I was through this hell- how long is this going to haunt me. I can't go through this again.)

What triggered this panic mode was me putting my son down for a nap today. As I was walking up the stairs with him in my arms, I envisioned him falling down the stairs and blood everywhere. I started to panic. I put him down in the crib and left the room. I started crying immediately. I called my husband. I called my friend Carrie, my therapist, and my mom.

Phill said sometimes bad thoughts just pop into our minds and it means nothing. I explained to him that they slowly creep up on you until one day you are thinking every minute of everyday you should just end your life. I could not go through that again.

What it really all boils down to is that all the medicine in the world won't be able to change the way I think. It could sedate me, but that isn't living. I think people sometimes assume once you get put on medication for anxiety, depression, PPD, OCD or any other mental illness, you are cured. That is only half the battle. You need to completely put forth effort everyday to take control of your thoughts and feelings, no matter how irrational or intrusive they may be.

Yes it royally sucks that I have this illness and I have not fully recovered yet. Compared to where I was, this is a cake walk. Phill and my mom are right. You just have thoughts pop into your mind and they mean nothing. You just shake it off, use positive self-talk, call a friend, go for a run and keep on living.