Road blocks

I am coasting along on cruise and everything in life seems to be going smoothly. (Probably part of my reason for not blogging a lot lately.)

There are a few bad days and even some tears for no reason. This is a normal part of being a woman so no real reasons to fret. I am feeling kind of distracted, but welcome to motherhood. I can't remember things, but that is probably due to my overloaded calendar.

I hit a couple road blocks through this whole journey through PPD, and then I hit another one. I am sent into panic mode. ( It is coming back-I thought I was through this hell- how long is this going to haunt me. I can't go through this again.)

What triggered this panic mode was me putting my son down for a nap today. As I was walking up the stairs with him in my arms, I envisioned him falling down the stairs and blood everywhere. I started to panic. I put him down in the crib and left the room. I started crying immediately. I called my husband. I called my friend Carrie, my therapist, and my mom.

Phill said sometimes bad thoughts just pop into our minds and it means nothing. I explained to him that they slowly creep up on you until one day you are thinking every minute of everyday you should just end your life. I could not go through that again.

What it really all boils down to is that all the medicine in the world won't be able to change the way I think. It could sedate me, but that isn't living. I think people sometimes assume once you get put on medication for anxiety, depression, PPD, OCD or any other mental illness, you are cured. That is only half the battle. You need to completely put forth effort everyday to take control of your thoughts and feelings, no matter how irrational or intrusive they may be.

Yes it royally sucks that I have this illness and I have not fully recovered yet. Compared to where I was, this is a cake walk. Phill and my mom are right. You just have thoughts pop into your mind and they mean nothing. You just shake it off, use positive self-talk, call a friend, go for a run and keep on living.