Overcoming Postpartum Depression & Living and Loving God's Blessings

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

crash landings

I often think about blogging on things that happen in my day to day life, but then life keeps happening!  So here is a little update:
Our little guy is 18 months now!  Holy Cow!  He is such a busy boy.  He says things like, "Ball, doggy, daddy, Reese- our dog- but it sounds more like Eese."  He finally said "mommy!"  He calls everything to drink "water"  He even says little phrases like "can't get down" or "I'm stuck!"  He is so funny!  He makes me laugh all of the time. Even when I am having a bad day, he gets me to smile instantly.

We just put carpet in my daughters room and Phillip just got out of the bathtub.  We asked him what he thought of the new room.  He took off his towel and laid down naked on the new carpet.  We all were laughing and I said, "Well I guess he likes it!"  Tonight after the bath he dropped his towel and peed on the radiator in her room.  Oh wow!  I wonder how soon is too soon to start potty training!

My family and I went to a hotel near our parent's cabin over Thanksgiving break.  My husband and our four kiddos stayed in a hotel for two nights. (Natalie, Phillip, and our two foster daughters)  The hotel had a little water park.  We had a blast swimming.  The hotel allowed us to take the little ones down the waterslides with us.  After about fifteen times going down the waterslide, I thought I was an old pro.  I started to sit down while holding Phillip and I slipped. I fell directly on an edge on my butt!  The only other thing would have been to grab the bar and drop Phillip, but I am glad I didn't do that.  It hurt so bad that if the lifeguard wasn't right behind me I would have cried!  So later in the elevator I showed Phill, my husband the huge red mark on my butt. He yelled at me because there were video cameras!  Ooops!

So later that night I discovered a huge baseball size bruise on my butt. It is a little ridiculous!  But mommy's come with lots of battle scars- even in all places!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My kiddos

Well we are off to the school year so far so good. My daughter is in 4K this year. She argues with me most mornings about not going, but loves it once we get there.  My little guy, Phillip, has earned the nickname Buns. I don't really know where it started, but it just fits for now. He is a little terror.  Like hell on wheels. But he has these devilish handsome looks about him, you can't stay mad at him for long.  He has white hair and blue eyes. He says things like, the dogs, ball, daddy, some more, bye, hi, outside, and water. He even says, "can't get down!" and yelled at one of the dogs and said, "You stink!"  I guess these are all things he hears around the house. No swear words yet!

He will not say mamma, mom, mommy or anything that even sounds like it.  He said bum a few times, but he won't say mom.  I am sure it will come out one of these days, but in the time being I am patiently waiting.

I just finished coaching middle school cross country. I was super crazy busy. But I loved it. LOVED IT!  This was my first year coaching anything. It was awesome. I had so much fun with these 7th and 8th graders. We started out running 1 mile and ended the season running 4 miles. All of my kids ran 4 miles!  I was so proud of them.  I got all choked up a few times during the meets. I would get goosebumps and a huge lump in my throat as I was yelling and running trying to get to the next spot to cheer them on.  The last race I was sprinting to the finish line to get there in time to see my kids finish. I was huffing and puffing like a huge moron!

The best part of this whole experience was that my 7th grade daughter, who we are hoping to adopt very soon, was on the team. It was so amazing to share this with her. I am sure I embarrassed her a few times, but she lived. I am so incredibly proud of her for all of her hard work. I am so blessed to share something I love so much with someone I love so much.

My other new addition to the family is her older sister, Dominique. She is 16 and joined our family this August. She is an amazing young woman. My kids adore her. It is so great to have both girls together again. They love each other so much and to be honest- they rarely ever fight.  They have this incredible bond.  Dominique joined volleyball and finished the season like a champ.  Now she is a wrestling cheerleader!

Oh wow- I am totally bragging!  I guess I don't care- I love my kids so much I can't imagine a life without them. Some days I am whipped. My head hits the pillow and I am outie!  Other times I am so frazzled I start yelling, crying, and I want to give up everything. I know we all get to that point. But then I remember that "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."  And he always does.

God Bless you and your babies!  I hope all is well with you all who are reading this.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I have been neglecting my blog lately!  Life is busy... especially in the summer.  I also made a big BIG mistake by my blog. I didn't keep up to date on my e-mail and it expired!  What? I didn't know a website could just expire like that!  Maybe I should open all my e-mails instead of putting them aside for a day when I get time to read them.

Well so far so good this fall. I am happy to say my kids are in school and I am loving a routine again. I am coaching middle school cross country for the first time in my entire life!  I love it. My 7th and 8th graders are amazing.  The first couple days were rough. It was so hot and humid. I heard a lot of complaining. I don't blame them though.  This week is a whole different story. They are really putting forth good effort and I am enjoying it much more.  I am so proud of my kids already and we haven't even had our first meet.

I am a huge believer in sports. I think sports are almost equally important in our children's development. If your kids aren't into sports, clubs or other activities are important as well.

Oh- we have had a few bats in our living room a couple times this summer. There is a lot of screaming going on and my husband thinks he is the bat ninja. I have a really funny video that I posted on facebook awhile back. I think the bat problem has been solved- I hope at least.

My in-laws have finally moved to town!  I am very grateful for that. It is great to have our family so close by.

My little guy is already almost 16 months old! I can't believe it. He is talking- but he still won't call me mamma.  He will say things like, "That's a ball" or "The dogs"  but he doesn't call me mom!  He call's Phill dad, and even a few times he has called me dad. I give up!

Well that is all I really have for now. Hope all is well with all of you!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

One year ago today

Last year on July 21st, I was admitted to the Mercy Janesville Hospital for severe postpartum depression. I thought about writing about that day, but it is already written and it won't be a day I ever forget.

I drive by the hospital often and always look up to the fifth floor and smile. I say a silent prayer for the doctors, nurses, and mostly for the patients. I pray for the patients that were there with me and I hope they are doing well. I pray for the family members of those who lost someone to a mental illness. I pray for more awareness out there for those struggling with postpartum depression or any kind of mental illness. I pray mostly for more acceptance of people who have a mental illness.

I know I still struggle with this. I have to fill out forms for lots of things.  I have to fill out my foster care paperwork to be re-licensed as a foster parent. It always has a section for mental problems or something like that. I always cringe, but I just put a big PPD on it and move on. I still will argue I am not mentally ill- I believe that PPD is a chemical imbalance caused by the dramatic shift in hormones that  your body has to try to readjust to. Not to mention the severe sleep deprivation. But whatever!  I won't lose sleep over it now!

I also have to fill out forms when I see a new physician. I just put PPD on there and usually no one asks questions. I don't really care if they do.

That was then and this is now and I am so grateful to be healthy and so happy a year later. I have everything I ever wanted plus more. God has blessed me so much this past year and continues to bless me and my family.

Recently I ran a 5k and it went really well.  I did the 3.1 mile run in 24 min. 49 seconds and took third in my age group. I was really proud of myself. I started to struggle but was reminded back to where I was a year ago. Mentally I can push through ANYTHING now and that is a new confidence I have always wanted and now I have.

I met a lady who took second in our age group. She told me about her struggle with anxiety and depression. She said something I will never forget. She said that when she is depressed she just accepts it and knows it will stay for awhile, but it won't stay forever. You just accept it and do the best you can.  I really took that to heart. I think that is true of everything in life. We just do the best we can do and who knows where you will be in a year from now. It WILL get better.

I promise :)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Perfect People

Wow- it has been a month since I have blogged! I know it has been busy, but where is the summer going?

My husband left for Kenya a few weeks ago and successfully lead another trip to and from Kenya. I was mentally preparing myself for this, but I will admit it was hard.

Just a little flashback here- Last year when he left for Kenya I suffered the worst two weeks of my life with Postpartum Depression. I was hospitalized for three full days.

The day before he left, I was so anxious. I had a meeting at work and I was so nervous about the meeting. Later we went to dinner and I couldn't get a hold of my thoughts. I helped him pack and went to bed feeling like a train wreck. I was so scared of "it" coming back to get me.  It was like when Phill is around, he is my protector. When he is gone, I am much more vulnerable.

The next morning I went for a run. I figured a run would get rid of all that nervous stress. I use exercise as a stress reliever and it usually makes me feel 80% better afterwards. As I was running, I heard a song by Natalie Grant. It is called "Perfect People"   It says, " There is no such thing as perfect people, there is no such thing as a perfect life. Come as you are broken and scarred, and be changed by a perfect God."

I love this song because it talks about how we try to be perfect and act like nothing is ever wrong. We hide behind "crooked smiles."  The truth is you will only exhaust yourself trying to be perfect.  The only way we are perfect is through God's eyes.

I kept running knowing that in a few hours Phill was going to be leaving. The song kept playing and God blessed me with this verse in that song, "Cause he knows where you are and where you've been, and you never have to go there again."

He was right... I did great!  I had a lot of friends and family checking in on me during this time while Phill was away. I knew what to do if I started to feel anxious or depressed. The kids and I had a blast. We were busy planning a rummage sale, going on a mini-vacation, and shopping!  I even got some "alone" time which I totally needed to recharge.

When Phill came back, I am sure he was relieved that he didn't have to bust me out of a hospital like last year!  I know I was sure relieved :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Now on Amazon!

My book is now available as a Kindle book on Amazon! Click the picture or search: Stronger Mom on Amazon.com

Please share it with anyone who would benefit from reading the story, cost is only $2.99.  Also, when you look at it, please hit the Facebook Like button at the top.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I could have missed this

For a long time right after my episode of PPD, I felt like I cheated death somehow. I can't explain it, but just the idea that I wanted to end my life was so terrifying to me. I know I didn't even come close to doing this, but just the thoughts were enough to scare the living daylights out of me!

I really believed I would never come out of my PPD. I remember thinking, I have to live sixty more years like this? I had no hope, but at the same time I kept praying. I know my faith pulled me through and minimal damage was done to my family. I pray all of the time for those who don't have faith. What is stopping them from taking their lives? My heart breaks when I think about those who have succeeded. I know I have said, I now know why people commit suicide. The pain is too great to even put into words. It is the only way you know how to end it.  It is an illness. I don't like to call it a mental illness, but it is. You aren't able to make rational decisions. I pray that God has mercy on them. He is a loving and forgiving God, so I believe he does.

Last week I was watching my kids on the slip and slide. They were all laughing and squealing and you couldn't help but laugh. My husband and I even went down on it! It was such a great day. I remember thinking to myself, "I could have missed this."  I am incredibly blessed by God.

Last night, I put my daughter to bed. It was hot, the kids were overtired, I was crabby like PMS crabby!  Natalie asked me to tell her a story.  I told her that once there was a woman who never got married and never had kids and she lived happily ever after!  Natalie said, "That isn't a good story!"  I started laughing. She knew I was kidding-sort of!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sitting this one out...

Training was going great.  I ran 18 miles in 3hours 26 minutes on May 7th. I was proud of it, but I was sore. My outer knee was throbbing. It hurt to even walk. After a few days of resting, it still hurt like hell. I went on-line and self-diagnosed it as IT band syndrome. The tissue around my knee all the way up to my hip, was inflamed. The reason it hurt so much by the knee was because it was rubbing against the joint. I went to the chiropractor and he diagnosed it as IT band syndrome.  He did some adjustments, made some suggestions, and scheduled me to see him every couple days.

Normally this takes weeks to months to heal, depending on each person. I only had three weeks before the marathon, so I was pretty bummed.

I was rolling my leg with a foam roller, icing, stretching, joined the gym to cross train, and stopped running. (Except I ran the Madison Mud Run last weekend which was super fun, but I had to walk half of it due to the pain.)

It still isn't much better, so today the chiropractor recommended that I don't push this and sit this one out. I am crushed, but also know he is right. I did a lot of crying over this after the Mud Run because I had to limp to the parking lot covered in mud looking for my husband.  I might have yelled a little once I found him, but I just can't remember :)

So I am sitting this marathon out. It is so hard to accept, but it really is the smart thing to do. I want this marathon experience to be fun. I know I would be in too much pain, and I would do more damage to my knee and it just isn't worth it.

I was devastated because I felt really good and felt really prepared for this. I am going to sign up for the Fox Cities Marathon in September so I have a goal to look forward to. Hopefully this time, I will not get hurt and be able to do it!

I put too much emphasis on doing this marathon for myself and to symbolize my journey through postpartum depression. I know I don't need a marathon to prove this to myself. I will get to the marathon this September and finish it!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Marathon training

I have been training for an upcoming marathon on May 29th. So far I am up to 14 miles. It is hard work!  I have to run 18 miles on Mother's Day!  Yikes!

On Monday, a student in my Zumba class, asked me what my driving force was behind this marathon. What a good question! I told her my story of overcoming postpartum depression. I told her about the meeting I had in the hospital with all the other patients and the OT lady. We had to talk about one thing we always wanted to do but never did. When it was my turn, I quiet said, "I have always wanted to run a marathon." She asked me, "What's stopping you?" I wanted to be sassy and reply, "Cause I am in here!"  I didn't though. I just told her I would do one. So I am running this one for me. I am also running this one for the end of my postpartum depression. It takes up to a year to heal, and I am healing. I am almost there. I don't think about my experience with a sick feeling in my stomach anymore. I don't feel like it has consumed me. I don't even think about it really anymore.

I want this marathon to symbolize my journey in life so far in my thirty years. I know that if I could get through postpartum depression, I can get through anything. I have a newfound confidence that I never had before.

I am also so excited that my baby boy is turning one!  OMG!  How can this be??  He is such an amazing little boy. He is like a little Tasmanian devil. He is walking and running and climbing and jumping... I am exhausted!

One word of advice to mommy runners- your window of training is slim when you have little ones, and your energy level is even slimmer.  It can be done though. I have a very patient family and wonderful husband. He is also training for this marathon. I am so proud of him!  I am proud of us for doing this together. We probably won't run together, but we will be enduring it together.

I am a little afraid to put my goal on here, but I will anyway. My goal is to do this under five hours. I am shooting for 4 1/2 hours, but if I am under five hours I will be ecstatic.

I will keep you posted as the marathon approaches. In the meantime, I hope all is well with you all and your family.

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mommies out there!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Healing & Happy

It is amazing how time can ease pain. People always say that when you are grieving, but you don't really believe it when you are in the worst of it. I have been working on dealing with my Postpartum depression now for 9 months. In the past few months I have been focusing on it less and less.

I was completely consumed by it in the beginning. I was so fragile. Every thought was around it and I felt like it was my new identity. Slowly through a lot of prayer, hard work, blogging, therapy, and keeping up with my medication, I feel like it no longer consumes me. I am no longer afraid of it "coming back to get me."

Today I wake up, take my medicine and move on with my day. I am so busy loving being a mom that there isn't much time to dwell on the past.  I am looking to the future and loving where I am heading.
I will always be a strong advocate for Postpartum depression. I will still do my part in bringing more awareness to others. I have to so others won't have to suffer in silence. As long as women have babies, there will be postpartum depression.

My kids bring me so much joy. You couldn't imagine loving someone so much, and then the next day you love them even more than the day before. How is this possible?

Phillip is taking his first steps and says" Mamma", "Na nights", and "Dad". He is such a goof ball that you can't help but laugh. He also gives you big open mouth kisses and loves to cuddle. He is definitely a ladies man!

My girls make me laugh constantly. Natalie is so honest and demanding at the same time that she just is a little grown up woman. She tells me what to do and what not to do. She is loving being a big sister. Phillip lets her pretty much do anything. She tries to carry him around and piles on top of him. He just laughs!
Marquite, our foster daughter, is so lovable and so fun to be around. She still thinks I am cool because she is only 12, so I am thrilled. In a few years she will think I am a complete dork, but she is probably right.

I want to thank all my readers and my dear friends in your help through this journey. I know I am still on it, but it feels like a mole hill now instead of a mountain. I am so grateful for all the prayers and encouragement.

I still plan to blog though, because motherhood is a journey worth blogging about!!

Lots of Love,

Friday, March 25, 2011

Belly laughing

Sometimes you wish you had a video camera rolling all the time, in-case your kids say something super adorable.  I started a journal that I need to update of all the funny things Natalie has done over her three years.

Natalie always makes me laugh. She says the silliest things. She asks the most personal questions. Little kids can be brutally honest. They also like to comfort us when we are having a rough day. 

This week Natalie said, "I'm a boy!"  My husband looked at her and said, "Do you have something in your pants?"  We all started laughing because we knew exactly that she put something in her pants. It was a big bouncy ball. 

About a year ago I was on the phone with the executive director and some other foster parents for a conference call. Natalie asked me who I was talking to. I whispered, "Amelia."  Natalie said, "Does she have balls or a gina?"  I nearly died. I tried shooing her out of the room and she just asked louder the same question. I don't know if anyone heard or not, but I was so embarrassed!  It makes a pretty good story though.

Friday, March 11, 2011


Have you ever known people that have the same names and seem to act very similar? I have a theory on names. There is no hard evidence to support this theory, but it is fun anyway.

I've come to the conclusion that my father-in-law, Phill Sr., my husband, Phill Jr., and my son, Phillip, have similar personalities. Yes I know they are all related, but sometimes it is scary how much they are alike.

Here is how I know:

They love to flirt and schmooze (as my best friend Beth calls it)

When they know they are in trouble, they try to kiss it out of you so you won't be mad. My little stinker was eating dog food and when I came over to pick him up, he knew he was in trouble. He gave me the biggest, sloppiest kiss and just smiled. How do you stay mad at something that cute?

They are super friendly to everyone they meet.

They really don't care what others think of them.  My father-in-law wears his swimsuit to work and thinks people don't notice they aren't shorts. They are orange.

They are extremely persistent- STUBBORN-but they don't quit when it gets too tough.

They have a really hard exterior, but they can't hide their big hearts bulging out of their chests.

They can embarrass you like no other and make you laugh until you pee a little.

I love my Phill's.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Road blocks

I am coasting along on cruise and everything in life seems to be going smoothly. (Probably part of my reason for not blogging a lot lately.)

There are a few bad days and even some tears for no reason. This is a normal part of being a woman so no real reasons to fret. I am feeling kind of distracted, but welcome to motherhood. I can't remember things, but that is probably due to my overloaded calendar.

I hit a couple road blocks through this whole journey through PPD, and then I hit another one. I am sent into panic mode. ( It is coming back-I thought I was through this hell- how long is this going to haunt me. I can't go through this again.)

What triggered this panic mode was me putting my son down for a nap today. As I was walking up the stairs with him in my arms, I envisioned him falling down the stairs and blood everywhere. I started to panic. I put him down in the crib and left the room. I started crying immediately. I called my husband. I called my friend Carrie, my therapist, and my mom.

Phill said sometimes bad thoughts just pop into our minds and it means nothing. I explained to him that they slowly creep up on you until one day you are thinking every minute of everyday you should just end your life. I could not go through that again.

What it really all boils down to is that all the medicine in the world won't be able to change the way I think. It could sedate me, but that isn't living. I think people sometimes assume once you get put on medication for anxiety, depression, PPD, OCD or any other mental illness, you are cured. That is only half the battle. You need to completely put forth effort everyday to take control of your thoughts and feelings, no matter how irrational or intrusive they may be.

Yes it royally sucks that I have this illness and I have not fully recovered yet. Compared to where I was, this is a cake walk. Phill and my mom are right. You just have thoughts pop into your mind and they mean nothing. You just shake it off, use positive self-talk, call a friend, go for a run and keep on living.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Mother Hen

You know how the old saying goes, " One day you will be just like your mother..." As young daughters we cringe when we hear this and deny it will ever happen to you.

I know I am becoming my mom in a lot of ways. I am proud to be a stay-at-home mom like my mom was. It was wonderful to have her home all day every day. Even though I am sure we wore her out. She also learned to have a simple lifestyle. We didn't always have the nice clothes, the newest toys, and we rarely went out to eat. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I was so glad she was home with us. She returned to work after my youngest brother went to school. She was still at every sporting event, every concert, and there to help us with our homework. Plus growing up our house was super clean. I still can't figure out how she did this. My parents had four kids! Every time my mom comes down for a visit, I go a little nuts trying to keep the house clean.

My daughter is three. She is a little mother hen. Some of the recent things she has said to me are:

Mom, you are skinny except for right here (she pokes at my belly)

Turn on the radio and drive the car Mom.

Time to go to bed Mom. Let's go

Don't wear those glasses. They don't look good.

Just this week I was getting ready to run and changed my clothes. We had previously had a lengthy conversation about the different types of bras. She held up the regular bra while I changed into my sports bra. Natalie interrupts me and says, "You can't wear this one cause your boobs would go flying."

Monday, January 31, 2011

29 and holding...

So I was bragging on my Facebook status last week that I got carded at the local grocery store. The lady really made me feel like a million bucks! I wanted to kiss her. But I didn't.   It totally made my year so far.
But then a few days later I went bowling with my kids and I twisted my knee and jammed my finger in the bowling ball.

I am about to turn 30 in two months. It is scaring me and I really am in denial about it. I feel like I am saying goodbye to my youth... forever. I thought I would sit in bed a cry all day and look at old pictures of my childhood when I was young.
What a waste. How silly. I should be excited about this new chapter in my life. Besides 30 is a much more grown up number. When we are in our 30's we become sexy and sophisticated. We are much more mature and our true beauty is starting to be revealed.

30 says goodbye to the 20's.  We had a good run.  There was lots of partying in college, breakups, graduating for college, getting married, getting pregnant with my sweet daughter, getting pregnant with my adorable little son, fostering a total of ten children, starting new jobs, traveling to Kenya and Sri Lanka and overcoming an illness known as Postpartum depression.

Just like I was ready to say goodbye to 2010, I will be ready to say goodbye to my 20's. In this next decade, I hope to attend a lot of graduation parties, attend weddings, run a marathon-gulp, maybe have another baby- we will see what God's plan is for us, start a new career, travel back to Kenya and many other places, take a trip to Disney world with my kids, get bleacher butt watching my kids in sports, and learning and growing stronger.

I will also make sure to get the same lady at the check out.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

10 things that will annoy your man

1. Ask him, "Are you going to wear that?"

2. Shrink his dri fit work out clothes by putting them in the dryer.  Oops!

3. Talk during a football game. Ask lots of questions and comment on the players bad choice in hair.

4. Tell him, "Your mom agrees with me."

5. Complain about your period or your bowl problems. They want to live in a fantasy world where there is never trouble down under. And don't even think about farting in front of them.

6. Bring up serious conversations right before bedtime.

7. Continue to insist he talks to you right now about the current thing you are fighting about. Don't do that-it just makes him even more frustrated.  They need their little cool off time first.

8. Spend a lot of money- just don't do that. Enough said!

9. Be late for everything especially church. You will get a lecture the entire drive to church.

10. Call him at work to tell him you are pregnant.( I did this with baby #2 ) 1. You won't get the reaction you are hoping for. 2. He won't believe you because the pregnancy test was from the dollar store.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Journal entry from that horrible summer...

I know it is backtracking, but I found one and only one journal entry while I was in the midst of my Postpartum depression. I thought I might share it on here. I have to warn my readers it isn't easy for me to write this, but my hope is to make others aware at how serious this illness is and how common it really is. Still, sadly there isn't an easy way to detect this illness until it gets really bad. When you are in this "horrible haze" you aren't aware of what is happening to you so you don't reach out for help. It isn't like a migraine or the flu. You still are rational and have a clear head and you know right away you need to take medication or see a doctor.

(This is exactly one week before I went to the hospital. Things just got progressively worse.)
So here goes:
Phillip is 2 month old today. Today I start journaling to help me sort out what is going on inside me. I completely ignored the signs until it was too late. Hyper, racing thoughts, can't sleep, anxiety, fear,panic, can't eat. 

I miss Natalie. I am spending all my time with the baby. Need to sleep- so tired.  Can't sleep- worried about the baby. Depressed-lonely-want to run away. Loud-too much noise- too much going on-slow down. I am so sad. I can't breastfeed my baby. My breasts hurt. I feel like I am losing my bond with my little boy. 

Am I crazy? I feel crazy-out of control. No one understands me. Panic -Make it stop. Scared for my life. I am going to die. My baby is going to die. Satan is in control of me and he won't let go. God save me- he can't hear me. I am going to die. I want to die. I could just take all my pills.
No you won't- I won't let you do that. Jesus will never leave me. I believe him.

Survival mode-just survive-let others help you. You need help. They will help you. They will keep me alive. You are not crazy-you are not bad. 

I feel robbed- I wanted to have three children of my own. I will never hold another baby in my arms that is mine. Two blessings that is all I can have. I will just make the most of it and be grateful forever. 

As I read this over and over, I feel like I was trying to fight it. I would go in and out of being rational to irrational within minutes. I was all over the place. The part I love is that I knew that I was going through hell, but I clung by my fingernails to my faith. That is the only reason I survived.

Friday, January 14, 2011


I was talking to friend on the phone today and she sighed when I asked her how she was doing. It was later in the afternoon and I just started laughing. I replied, "I am with you."  Then I joked, "Yeah for the weekend!"  She laughed and said, "Yeah that doesn't mean anything to me."  I told her, "I know. Remember when weekends were a nice break from the week?" Weekends with kids are just an extension of your normal week, with maybe a slightly different routine. Unless the kids are at Grandma's- then it means something else.

Usually we have extra help with the husbands being home, but they are burnt out from their week so they need a break too.
So this weekend I am going to be extra patient with my strong willed children and my persistent dog. Reese, our dog, wants to play ball all day long. She doesn't stop. She even rolls the ball to the baby and waits. Phillip just puts it in his mouth.

This is just a season of life. I know one day in the near future I will wake up and it will be quiet. My living room will probably always be clean. My bathtub won't have crayon marks all over it from crayons made for the tub and I will actually be on time for once. (Who am I kidding)
Little hand prints won't be all over my mirrors and windows. My car won't have books, toys, bottles, crackers, and something brown from an ice-cream cone that melted in my daughters hand.

Everyone tells you it goes so fast and to enjoy every moment of it. I think they are right. I think we will be waiting for the weekends to roll around so we can be with our children, even when they are forty.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

2011...Thank God!

I often tell people that 2010 was giving me the "middle finger." It was a rough year, but even through the storm of life, I got a beautiful little boy out of this. I would do it all again if I had to just for him.
We went out to celebrate New Years with all my siblings, my cousin and a friend. It was amazing. I was so excited for the clock to strike midnight because that would be the finish to this year. But as absent minded as I can be, I was dancing to the "Cupid Shuffle" at my hometown establishment and almost missed it! One year my best friend and I were in the bathroom and missed New Years!  I made it in time to kiss my husband, my brothers, my brother-in-law, my cousin and our friend. (on the cheek, except my husband) Then I gave my sister a huge hug. It was such an amazing feeling to know that I would never have to go through that again, I hope and pray. If it does come back, I will know to get help sooner.

So I am on another medication to help with some of the anxiety and fears I was having. I really am much happier and feel more relaxed. I feel like internally I am not feeling anxious, so there is no reason to be anxious. The medicine is wonderful in that sense.

So far my 2011 has been amazing.  A little update- my baby is 7 months and crawling into everything!  He loves cords and yesterday he ate some dog food and sat in the dog's water dish. He isn't sleeping so great, but he has a cold so I am hoping once he feels better he will go back to sleeping at night. I sleep most nights on a mattress in the kids room. The other night my husband asked if I was going to sleep in our bed. I told him I had to ask my roommates first!

I am very optimistic about this year. Maybe my expectations are too high, but I think the more positive we can be, that is what you tend to see and vice versa. Phill and I are planning to run a marathon in May of this year. It will be a day after my son's birthday. I am thinking of wearing a shirt that says, "For Phillip" The training is going to be rough but it will be an amazing accomplishment since it was one year from the birth of my son and when the Postpartum depression started. It will be another end to that storm. I am so excited!