Journal entry from that horrible summer...

I know it is backtracking, but I found one and only one journal entry while I was in the midst of my Postpartum depression. I thought I might share it on here. I have to warn my readers it isn't easy for me to write this, but my hope is to make others aware at how serious this illness is and how common it really is. Still, sadly there isn't an easy way to detect this illness until it gets really bad. When you are in this "horrible haze" you aren't aware of what is happening to you so you don't reach out for help. It isn't like a migraine or the flu. You still are rational and have a clear head and you know right away you need to take medication or see a doctor.

(This is exactly one week before I went to the hospital. Things just got progressively worse.)
So here goes:
7-14-10
Phillip is 2 month old today. Today I start journaling to help me sort out what is going on inside me. I completely ignored the signs until it was too late. Hyper, racing thoughts, can't sleep, anxiety, fear,panic, can't eat. 


I miss Natalie. I am spending all my time with the baby. Need to sleep- so tired.  Can't sleep- worried about the baby. Depressed-lonely-want to run away. Loud-too much noise- too much going on-slow down. I am so sad. I can't breastfeed my baby. My breasts hurt. I feel like I am losing my bond with my little boy. 


Am I crazy? I feel crazy-out of control. No one understands me. Panic -Make it stop. Scared for my life. I am going to die. My baby is going to die. Satan is in control of me and he won't let go. God save me- he can't hear me. I am going to die. I want to die. I could just take all my pills.
No you won't- I won't let you do that. Jesus will never leave me. I believe him.


Survival mode-just survive-let others help you. You need help. They will help you. They will keep me alive. You are not crazy-you are not bad. 


I feel robbed- I wanted to have three children of my own. I will never hold another baby in my arms that is mine. Two blessings that is all I can have. I will just make the most of it and be grateful forever. 


As I read this over and over, I feel like I was trying to fight it. I would go in and out of being rational to irrational within minutes. I was all over the place. The part I love is that I knew that I was going through hell, but I clung by my fingernails to my faith. That is the only reason I survived.