Mother Hen

You know how the old saying goes, " One day you will be just like your mother..." As young daughters we cringe when we hear this and deny it will ever happen to you.

I know I am becoming my mom in a lot of ways. I am proud to be a stay-at-home mom like my mom was. It was wonderful to have her home all day every day. Even though I am sure we wore her out. She also learned to have a simple lifestyle. We didn't always have the nice clothes, the newest toys, and we rarely went out to eat. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I was so glad she was home with us. She returned to work after my youngest brother went to school. She was still at every sporting event, every concert, and there to help us with our homework. Plus growing up our house was super clean. I still can't figure out how she did this. My parents had four kids! Every time my mom comes down for a visit, I go a little nuts trying to keep the house clean.

My daughter is three. She is a little mother hen. Some of the recent things she has said to me are:

Mom, you are skinny except for right here (she pokes at my belly)

Turn on the radio and drive the car Mom.

Time to go to bed Mom. Let's go

Don't wear those glasses. They don't look good.

Just this week I was getting ready to run and changed my clothes. We had previously had a lengthy conversation about the different types of bras. She held up the regular bra while I changed into my sports bra. Natalie interrupts me and says, "You can't wear this one cause your boobs would go flying."

29 and holding...

So I was bragging on my Facebook status last week that I got carded at the local grocery store. The lady really made me feel like a million bucks! I wanted to kiss her. But I didn't.   It totally made my year so far.
But then a few days later I went bowling with my kids and I twisted my knee and jammed my finger in the bowling ball.

I am about to turn 30 in two months. It is scaring me and I really am in denial about it. I feel like I am saying goodbye to my youth... forever. I thought I would sit in bed a cry all day and look at old pictures of my childhood when I was young.
What a waste. How silly. I should be excited about this new chapter in my life. Besides 30 is a much more grown up number. When we are in our 30's we become sexy and sophisticated. We are much more mature and our true beauty is starting to be revealed.

30 says goodbye to the 20's.  We had a good run.  There was lots of partying in college, breakups, graduating for college, getting married, getting pregnant with my sweet daughter, getting pregnant with my adorable little son, fostering a total of ten children, starting new jobs, traveling to Kenya and Sri Lanka and overcoming an illness known as Postpartum depression.

Just like I was ready to say goodbye to 2010, I will be ready to say goodbye to my 20's. In this next decade, I hope to attend a lot of graduation parties, attend weddings, run a marathon-gulp, maybe have another baby- we will see what God's plan is for us, start a new career, travel back to Kenya and many other places, take a trip to Disney world with my kids, get bleacher butt watching my kids in sports, and learning and growing stronger.

I will also make sure to get the same lady at the check out.

10 things that will annoy your man

1. Ask him, "Are you going to wear that?"

2. Shrink his dri fit work out clothes by putting them in the dryer.  Oops!

3. Talk during a football game. Ask lots of questions and comment on the players bad choice in hair.

4. Tell him, "Your mom agrees with me."

5. Complain about your period or your bowl problems. They want to live in a fantasy world where there is never trouble down under. And don't even think about farting in front of them.

6. Bring up serious conversations right before bedtime.

7. Continue to insist he talks to you right now about the current thing you are fighting about. Don't do that-it just makes him even more frustrated.  They need their little cool off time first.

8. Spend a lot of money- just don't do that. Enough said!

9. Be late for everything especially church. You will get a lecture the entire drive to church.

10. Call him at work to tell him you are pregnant.( I did this with baby #2 ) 1. You won't get the reaction you are hoping for. 2. He won't believe you because the pregnancy test was from the dollar store.

Journal entry from that horrible summer...

I know it is backtracking, but I found one and only one journal entry while I was in the midst of my Postpartum depression. I thought I might share it on here. I have to warn my readers it isn't easy for me to write this, but my hope is to make others aware at how serious this illness is and how common it really is. Still, sadly there isn't an easy way to detect this illness until it gets really bad. When you are in this "horrible haze" you aren't aware of what is happening to you so you don't reach out for help. It isn't like a migraine or the flu. You still are rational and have a clear head and you know right away you need to take medication or see a doctor.

(This is exactly one week before I went to the hospital. Things just got progressively worse.)
So here goes:
7-14-10
Phillip is 2 month old today. Today I start journaling to help me sort out what is going on inside me. I completely ignored the signs until it was too late. Hyper, racing thoughts, can't sleep, anxiety, fear,panic, can't eat. 


I miss Natalie. I am spending all my time with the baby. Need to sleep- so tired.  Can't sleep- worried about the baby. Depressed-lonely-want to run away. Loud-too much noise- too much going on-slow down. I am so sad. I can't breastfeed my baby. My breasts hurt. I feel like I am losing my bond with my little boy. 


Am I crazy? I feel crazy-out of control. No one understands me. Panic -Make it stop. Scared for my life. I am going to die. My baby is going to die. Satan is in control of me and he won't let go. God save me- he can't hear me. I am going to die. I want to die. I could just take all my pills.
No you won't- I won't let you do that. Jesus will never leave me. I believe him.


Survival mode-just survive-let others help you. You need help. They will help you. They will keep me alive. You are not crazy-you are not bad. 


I feel robbed- I wanted to have three children of my own. I will never hold another baby in my arms that is mine. Two blessings that is all I can have. I will just make the most of it and be grateful forever. 


As I read this over and over, I feel like I was trying to fight it. I would go in and out of being rational to irrational within minutes. I was all over the place. The part I love is that I knew that I was going through hell, but I clung by my fingernails to my faith. That is the only reason I survived.

Weekends

I was talking to friend on the phone today and she sighed when I asked her how she was doing. It was later in the afternoon and I just started laughing. I replied, "I am with you."  Then I joked, "Yeah for the weekend!"  She laughed and said, "Yeah that doesn't mean anything to me."  I told her, "I know. Remember when weekends were a nice break from the week?" Weekends with kids are just an extension of your normal week, with maybe a slightly different routine. Unless the kids are at Grandma's- then it means something else.

Usually we have extra help with the husbands being home, but they are burnt out from their week so they need a break too.
So this weekend I am going to be extra patient with my strong willed children and my persistent dog. Reese, our dog, wants to play ball all day long. She doesn't stop. She even rolls the ball to the baby and waits. Phillip just puts it in his mouth.

This is just a season of life. I know one day in the near future I will wake up and it will be quiet. My living room will probably always be clean. My bathtub won't have crayon marks all over it from crayons made for the tub and I will actually be on time for once. (Who am I kidding)
Little hand prints won't be all over my mirrors and windows. My car won't have books, toys, bottles, crackers, and something brown from an ice-cream cone that melted in my daughters hand.

Everyone tells you it goes so fast and to enjoy every moment of it. I think they are right. I think we will be waiting for the weekends to roll around so we can be with our children, even when they are forty.

2011...Thank God!

I often tell people that 2010 was giving me the "middle finger." It was a rough year, but even through the storm of life, I got a beautiful little boy out of this. I would do it all again if I had to just for him.
We went out to celebrate New Years with all my siblings, my cousin and a friend. It was amazing. I was so excited for the clock to strike midnight because that would be the finish to this year. But as absent minded as I can be, I was dancing to the "Cupid Shuffle" at my hometown establishment and almost missed it! One year my best friend and I were in the bathroom and missed New Years!  I made it in time to kiss my husband, my brothers, my brother-in-law, my cousin and our friend. (on the cheek, except my husband) Then I gave my sister a huge hug. It was such an amazing feeling to know that I would never have to go through that again, I hope and pray. If it does come back, I will know to get help sooner.

So I am on another medication to help with some of the anxiety and fears I was having. I really am much happier and feel more relaxed. I feel like internally I am not feeling anxious, so there is no reason to be anxious. The medicine is wonderful in that sense.

So far my 2011 has been amazing.  A little update- my baby is 7 months and crawling into everything!  He loves cords and yesterday he ate some dog food and sat in the dog's water dish. He isn't sleeping so great, but he has a cold so I am hoping once he feels better he will go back to sleeping at night. I sleep most nights on a mattress in the kids room. The other night my husband asked if I was going to sleep in our bed. I told him I had to ask my roommates first!

I am very optimistic about this year. Maybe my expectations are too high, but I think the more positive we can be, that is what you tend to see and vice versa. Phill and I are planning to run a marathon in May of this year. It will be a day after my son's birthday. I am thinking of wearing a shirt that says, "For Phillip" The training is going to be rough but it will be an amazing accomplishment since it was one year from the birth of my son and when the Postpartum depression started. It will be another end to that storm. I am so excited!

What's real

The human body is amazing. Each is unique and complex. What works for one body, might destroy another. It really is a science when figuring out what medication will work for each individual person.
I have been taking Celexa 20 mg for 5 months now and it works pretty well. I still have some "postpartum junk in the trunk" though.  I just kept it quiet and tried to think maybe it was normal for me to have intrusive thoughts and irrational fears. I am a mom- and moms worry about everything. Everything is a potential danger to our little curious children. My 7 month old is fascinated  with cords. He pulls on them, tries to eat them, and whips them around like a little baby cowboy.

Today I went to see my doctor and I started crying. She told me I shouldn't be having these kinds of irrational fears that my kids are in danger and I shouldn't be having intrusive thoughts. I also told her about my nightmares. I have a reoccurring nightmare a few times a week that I leave baby Phillip somewhere and I can't find him. He is always in his car seat, but I can't find him. I am in a panic trying to find him. I hate those nightmares because I feel like it is a foreshadowing of what is to come. Then I have to talk myself out of this, like I would never do such a thing.  Well I know I wouldn't, but I have to convince myself it would never happen.

I told my doctor about how I had a complete meltdown over the drop-side crib we own. There is a mandatory recall on all drop-side cribs because they are unsafe and infants have died because they can malfunction. I called my husband to tell him this and I was sobbing into the phone. He didn't even know what I was saying. I overreacted a bit much on this one. Again- the irrational fears got the best of me.

I sometimes don't do so well on this postpartum  journey, but then God reminds me where I have been. I still have to fight and it is a battle. I am still going to have bad bad days, just like everyone else does.
My doctor is prescribing me a new medicine, Wellbutrin, to help with the fears and nightmares. She will probably take me off Celexa cause it just isn't enough. I am hoping this will do the trick.

The medicine helps, but God does the real healing.