A much larger purpose

I can't stop thinking that I am missing the point.

I don't think I will ever really fully understand the depths of what happened to me this past summer. I am still trying to sort it out. I am still in the struggle. It is much easier to think clearly and to process what I need to do to stay healthy. I feel like I still have this anchor tied to my ankle and I just can't shake it.

Some days I think about this past summer and try to "re-do" it completely. I "what-if" it to death. This thinking is completely destructive and counter-productive. I also still struggle with certain people close to me not wanting to address it as a huge turning point in my life. I don't blame them-it isn't easy to talk about and not everyone knows what to say. It is hard to understand if you never have gone through something like this. I also know I just need to "get over this"
I don't know how to do that. I think I am getting the greatest support from my husband and I am doing all the right things. I am seeing a therapist once a month, I take my medication everyday, I exercise, and I blog and am open about everything that is happening to me. I pray constantly. I am trying to remember to forget.  I really need to get past this and stop living in it.

God's purpose for me is not clear, but it is getting clearer. I think I am trying too hard to make sense of this and finding a reason for it. The more I share my story, the more I find so many people who struggled with depression. I also know many people who have attempted or have succeeded in taking their own lives. I am praying that God would have mercy on them and forgive them of their actions. I truly believe in my heart that Satan will attack and make us weak to keep us from fulfilling God's purpose. He will also try anything to make us destructive to ourselves by his lies.

Maybe my purpose is to educate others on depression and anxiety as a whole-not just Postpartum depression. It is a difficult subject to talk about-especially if you never personally experienced it. My purpose is also to help others find hope and grace in the loving and forgiving Jesus Christ. I truly believe I would not be here if it wasn't for God's protection and my faith. It is so scary to think that people without faith, have nothing to cling to and think that suicide is the only answer. I am not judging-I hope that is clear. I know from my own experience that my faith was tested and I felt like God had abandoned me in my darkest hours. The truth is he is closer to us than ever. I know that now.

I hope whatever struggle you or your loved ones may be going through right now, you give it over to God first and let him lead you to the truth. Don't be afraid to ask for help- you were never intended to go through this life on your own.