I felt like I had been awoken from a bad dream. I was alive again and filled with so much joy. I could have ran out or that hospital and did cartwheels, but instead I had to go to group. I was a little nervous because we were with other patients that had already been released and were living at home now. I was jealous. Another emotion I had rediscovered! We sat in group and our topic of discussion was irrational thinking. Just what we discussed this morning. How wonderful! I sat there with a scowl on my face and was annoyed. I didn't have a choice I had to be there so I should make the best of it. Slowly people started to share their stories and some people in the group wanted to dominate the conversation. Finally the few of us who were quiet had to talk. When I shared my story, two of the moms in the group said, "I had that too. It is horrible. It will get better thought."
Here I am in a room of about 12 people and three of us have had postpartum depression? What is wrong with this picture? It is way more common than people think. Why isn't there more support for moms! I was enraged but also felt like I was finally being validated for what I went through. I do believe there are different degrees of postpartum depression. I believe I had an extreme case of it because it was completely debilitating.
Julie shared her story next. Then she had a big smile on her face and said she was going home today. My temperature rose. I was pissed! She was only here in the hospital for 36 hours and she gets to go home!! Plus she overdosed on pills and actually tried to kill herself and here I have to sit for four days or more when I didn't try anything to hurt myself. I wanted to cry and scream and run out of the room. After a few minutes I calmed down and realized, she isn't ready to go home so don't be so jealous of her. What is going to change for her in 36 hours? The longer I stay the better I will be prepared to go home. My jealousy turned to empathy and I started to feel sorry for her. I didn't think she was ready and I didn't have to compare myself to her. This is another thing that I do which is irrational thinking. You can't compare yourself to others because no two people have the same situation. Also just because someone looks like they have it all together, that is just on the outside. Everyone has flaws. There is no such thing as a perfect person. Focus on yourself and working to be the best person you can be no matter what the situation.
I honestly felt like a robot for almost three weeks. I felt nothing and now all of the sudden in less than two hours I felt joy, I missed my baby, I had protective, maternal instincts, I had jealousy, anger, and empathy flood back into my body. It was so overwhelming and liberating at the same time.
After group I went back to my room. I was so anxious still and wanted to go home. I had to force myself to sit on my bed and read a magazine. I was so anxious to get out of the hospital but also knew one more day I would be even better and more ready. I heard a footsteps in the hall and hoped it was a visitor to see me. It was! It was my good friend Martha. I hugged her. She had an armful of flowers and a teddy bear for me. I was so excited to tell Martha I was going to be alright and I had feelings again! I was talking so fast and had so much excitement in my voice I didn't even realize I was smiling. Martha told me my eyes looked alive again. She said on Wednesday when she came to see me I wasn't really "seeing" her. I had a glazed look in my eyes and now my eyes had life to them. I had life in me again!
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