The Good Tears

        I actually ate most of my salad. My body was so deprived from good nutrients that the salad tasted so good. I downed three apple juices and my sprite. I would have loved a Mountain Dew but I was so anxious already that it would have only made me extremely jittery. After lunch everyone headed to their rooms. We didn't have group until 1:15 and it was 12:30 so I had a little time to journal. I sat at my desk and nothing was coming to me. I looked at the pamphlet about postpartum depression that was laying on my desk. I had read this pamphlet over and over. Inside the pamphlet it explained the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression. (lack of appetite, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, lack of interest in things you normally enjoy, irritability, excessive crying, worrying about the baby, thoughts that you are "out of control" or "going crazy", suicidal ideation, thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby.)  I fit the bill perfectly except for the excessive crying. I couldn't cry. I felt beyond sad and could not even cry.
        In the previous two weeks before I was admitted to the hospital, I cried three times that I could remember. Once at the beach when I thought my daughter Natalie had drowned but in fact she ran up to the bathrooms. I remember searching in the water with my mom looking for her and looking for her on the beach, but feeling no real fear or sense of panic. It was a delayed reaction. When Natalie came running down the hill with a lifeguard, I didn't even feel much relief. It took me 15 minutes to process what had happened and then I burst into tears. This was a huge flag that something was seriously wrong. Normal Jodie would have started to panic immediately and made the lifeguards clear the water and start a search for her. I would have been absolutely hysterical.
                The other time I started crying was when we were at my house cleaning every room in the house because my dog had been attacked by fleas and so did my house. My dad and I had to do 12 loads of laundry because of all the bedding in our house. We went to the laundry mat on the hottest day in July and I was just miserable. It was probably one of the lowest points in my life. When I got back to the house I started crying and couldn't stop. I sobbed louder and louder and wailed out in pain. I was so miserable. My mom hugged me and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said no, but four days later I ended up there anyway.
             The day I went to the hospital, my mother-in-law was upstairs putting my daughter down for a nap. Baby Phillip started crying. I picked him up and put him right back down. I walked into my kitchen and started crying. I couldn't comfort him, I couldn't hold him, I was so far removed from myself that I didn't even want to hold him. I started crying because I felt like a horrible mom who couldn't even comfort her crying baby.

          Now I was sitting at my desk in my room at the hospital. I looked at the picture on the front of the pamphlet. It was a picture of a mother holding her newborn baby. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I missed my baby so much I didn't even realize I was crying. I cried and cried and cried some more. I was crying the happiest tears of my life! I missed my baby. I wanted to hold him and never let him go. I had emotions again. I had maternal instincts again. I was getting better. I was going to be alright! Praise the Lord!!