David and Goliath

I headed to my room to take a shower. I stood in the shower for a long time. I started to process what we just discussed in group. It just amazed me that I knew all of these skills and didn't use them. I guess I was being too hard on myself because it doesn't matter what knowledge or skills you may have because they go out the window when you are that depressed. You don't have any energy or will to try to fight that battle.

             I was remembering reading a book to my daughter at my parents house when I was depressed. I tried so hard to add inflections to the words I was reading to her. It was a story about David and Goliath. I started reading it and I honestly felt like David. I had only a stone and a slingshot to take down this giant. The thought was so overwhelming. I had no fight in me. I kept reading the story to her. I had a shred of hope that God was watching me and knew I would overcome this. I kept praying, "God please be with me. God please don't let me do anything stupid. God I know you love me and will never leave me. I just don't feel you with me, but I know you can hear me."
              I read the poem on the wall at my parents house called Footprints. It is about a man who dies and looks back at his life when he gets to Heaven. He looks back through his life and notices that there are two sets of footprints in the sand through his life. One set of footprints is God's and one is his own. The man notices that there are times where there is only one set of footprints in the sand. The man also notices that these times are the most troublesome times in his life. This angers the man and he asks God, "Why did you leave me in the most despairing times of my life?" God replies, "My son I love you and would never leave you. In your times of suffering where you see only one set of footprints, it is then that I carried you."
I read this poem over and over. I probably have read it more than 100 times growing up in my parents house. I read the words. I didn't believe those words, but somehow I remained still and silent and read those words over and over.


We had lunch shortly after my shower, but today time was going extremely slow. My legs were tingling from the lack of exercise and I was still crawling out of my skin. I went to talk to the nurse. I couldn't stand one more second in what seemed like an eternity. My mouth was so dry from the lack of fresh air and the medicine. I was beyond bored. I need to go home I thought. I will just go home and wait for Phill to get home tomorrow. The nurse was patient with me, but I could tell she was busy. I told her I wanted to go home and I couldn't stay here any longer. She told me I couldn't go home until I had my family meeting. I knew the earliest that would be was Saturday night when Phill got home. I didn't think he would really be up for a family meeting the second he got back from his trip to Kenya. The nurse told me to go write down I wanted to discuss with Phill in my family meeting. So I did. I already knew what I wanted to discuss with him.
After I finished this it was almost time for lunch. I walked into the activity room where we had lunch and noticed a new patient had arrived. Her name was Nancy and she was in her late 50's. She was a talker! We became instant friends. I learned she was grieving the loss of her son. He died a year ago and Nancy tried to take her own life. My heart wrenched for her. My pain didn't even pale in comparison to hers. I started to feel weak.