My dad packed us up and took us home on July 20th. We made plans for my mother-in-law to come stay with me for a couple days at my house. My dad had a meeting and needed to get going as soon as he dropped us off. I called my mother-in-law to see where she was and she told me she was 15 minutes away. My anxiety was at it's peak at this time. I took my anti-anxiety med and tried to settle down. I remember sweating and pacing back and forth and thinking, "I can't be alone with my kids, I am afraid to be alone with my kids, Please hurry up Mary Jo." I didn't even look at my kids because I was so afraid to look at them. I thought I might break them if I looked in their direction. I never had any thoughts of harming them, only thoughts of harming myself, but the state of mind I was in, I didn't trust myself at all. I wasn't myself. I was this crazy person inside my old body.
I was much more afraid of neglecting my kids and causing them harm.
Mary Jo pulled in the driveway and I was relieved. I have the best mother-in-law in the world. She loves me like her daughter. She took care of all three of us for the next two days. I laid on the couch while we watched "Tinkerbell" the movie. We went to Wal-Mart to pick out my daughter's birthday cake. I put things in the cart and had no concept of what kinds of food they were cause I felt no hunger. I knew I liked chips and some breakfast foods. I had no concept of money either. I simply didn't care. I couldn't care.
I talked to my husband on the phone everyday and we typed back and forth on Facebook. Everytime he called I mumbled how miserable I was and how I wanted to just die. He listened to me and tried to stay patient with me, but was unable to comfort me. I didn't even miss him or look forward to his return. Some friends and family were very angry that he left me in such a horrible condition or blamed him for my illness. The truth is that if Phill had known it would have gotten this bad, he would never have left. We both just thought that my anxiety was due to him leaving and we scheduled help for everyday he was gone. He couldn't easily back out of the trip because we committed to it a year prior. 12 people paid for their flight and room and board and Phill was leading the trip. Without Phill 12 people would have lost their chance to go to Kenya and thousands of dollars.
My sister picked me up for my doctors appointment on Wednesday July 21st. I still could not drive from the medication I was on. It knocked me out and without it I was an anxious mess. As my sister, Jennie, and I were driving to the doctor she asked me lots of questions. I told her that she needed to tell the doctor how bad it really was. I needed more help and more medication. When the doctor walked in she took one look at me and said, "Jodie I don't think this can wait for Phill to get back home." I asked her what she meant. She said, "I am suggesting in-patient hospitalization" I agreed. At that moment I felt better than I had in weeks. Soon I would get the help I needed. After answering a million questions on the phone, I started to regret this decision. I was exhausted from answering so many questions. I was asked if I smoke pot or do drugs or am in an abusive relationship or if was in any legal trouble. Then she asked me if I had a plan to hurt myself. I hesitated. I didn't have a plan, but I had a back up plan. In my head I thought to myself, "If this doesn't get better I will just take all my pills."
I was admitted to the Janesville Mercy Behavioral & Addictions unit. My sister took me straight there after stopping in the McDonald's drive thru. I needed to eat something. I hadn't eaten much in weeks. I wanted to eat something before hospital food would be my only option. I remember smiling knowing this was the answer to my prayer. (The hosptial, not McDonalds-although that was good too!) I made phone calls to close friends and family to let them know where I was going.
When we got to the hospital I had to fill out more forms. Jennie walked with me, hand in hand, to the 5th floor. We said our goodbyes and she went home to pack me some clothes. Suddenly, this wasn't such a good idea. I changed my mind.
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