Sister Bonding

After a few bites of dinner due to my lack of appetite, I went to meet with the nurse on duty to talk about how I was doing. She asked me a lot of questions and I answered them honestly. She asked me how my hygiene was. I told her I normally don't wear the clothes I was wearing, but my mother-in-law packed for me. She smiled. I was wearing khaki pants and a Nike athletic shirt and a tan sweater. My hair was all over the place and I had no make up on. We talked for a few minutes and then I had a knock on the door from the social worker. She came in to tell me my sister was waiting in my room for me.
I finished meeting with the nurse and walked to my room. I was so excited to see my sister. It felt like it had been three days when in fact it was only 24 hours since I saw her. Time just goes so slow in the hospital. I was so grateful for visitors and phone calls. I was so bored and started to get agitated by being confined to such a small place. I practically ran to my room to see her.
When I walked in my room Jennie took one look at me and burst out laughing at what I was wearing. "Shut up-Did you bring me some clothes?" I asked. We both just bust out laughing together. I told her the nurse asked about my hygiene and I told her I normally don't wear this! We kept laughing. I love my sister so much because we have a bond that no one else gets. We have inside jokes and laugh at each other all of the time. It was great to laugh and it was more normalcy to such a strange and lonely place.
Jennie asked me if I was doing my homework and going to group. I told her I was journaling and I started making a list about how my life was going to change. She wanted to look at it. She is a fantastic English teacher at a high school so she is used to checking up on homework.
We made a list for the big things in my life. Foster care, work, marriage, kids.
I questioned my ability to continue foster care and my job. I wanted only the best for my children and myself. I had to take a step back and realize that I would get better even if I didn't feel better yet. I was slowly getting better each second I spent in the hospital and I was able to vocalize my feelings and fears with the group and the staff at the hospital. In my mind I was only a few inches away from going crazy and never coming back. I also felt so close to death and didn't think I would ever pull myself out of it. It was so hard for me to picture myself being able to take care of others when I couldn't even take care of myself. It was hard for me to imagine working when it would be so overbearing for me in this fragile state. My job is 12 hours a week and I plan recreation events for adults with disabilities. It is such a stress-free job and it is a job I love. Nonetheless, my confidence was shaken so much that I didn't think I could even handle my job anymore. My company even let me work from home after I had Phillip to make it easier on me.
Jennie and I also talked about my time to myself and how I needed to plan more time for just me. I was going to run four or five days a week for 20 minutes or more. I would take baths, read, nap, and spend time with friends without feeling guilty. I love to spend time with friends and my sister. Phill always encourages me to do this. I always feel guilty for leaving my kids. Moms NEED to do this. It is so hard because some days the kids drive you crazy and you just want some get in your car and blast the radio, go see a movie, read a book, or talk on the phone without interruptions. Going to the bathroom by yourself would be like a mini-vacation!  Then once you are away from the kids for more than an hour you get the mommy guilt. It is healthy and good to separate yourself and enjoy your time with your friends or by yourself. Then Jennie wrote on the paper "more outings with the coolest sister ever!" I knew she was right. I needed to spend more time with her. She pulled through big time and took me under her wing. It was hard for me to show her that her big sister was vulnerable. I wanted to show her I was strong and could handle the world. I just showed her I was human and I needed her. I am so blessed to have her and her husband Ross. He is like a brother to me. I could be weak in front of him too and not have to worry about him judging me.
I had to say goodbye to Jennie because visiting hours were over.  I thanked her for the clothes she brought. It was freezing on the unit and I was so relieved she brought me some nice sweats to wear. I thanked her for coming and told her I loved her. After she left I walked into the activity room smiling.